Togetherness
by bloodstainedhope
Summary: This started out as a brief thought about how maybe the " "Together?" he said quietly. / "I think so," said Lupin. " had some history/deeper meaning. Follows them in brief moments from when they're twelve to when they have their little reunion in the shack.


_"Together?" he said quietly._

_"I think so," said Lupin._

_[...]_

_"Shall we kill him together?"_

_"Yes, I think so," said Lupin grimly._

~Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 19

~X~

Sirius _knows_. Remus knows Sirius knows and is waiting for the disgust, for the fear. It's only to be expected, they're only twelve and, after all, Remus _is_ a monster.

But it doesn't come. Nothing changes, except the mornings after a moon, Sirius is there with vast amounts of chocolate and a tentative grin.

"You're not hurt?" Sirius asks each month. "You're good?"

Remus nods each time and says, "I think so," despite the pain that lingers in his body from the wolf ripping him apart.

When James and Peter figure out what Sirius is doing towards the end of the year, they join him, and the question changes.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks now, and Remus just nods in confirmation.

~X~

They're thirteen; Remus's mother is dead, Sirius's parents are driving him crazy and James and Peter are planning a prank on a group of Slytherins. Sirius refuses to join them, and when Remus asks, Sirius admits his brother is amongst them. Remus drops the subject until a week later when they're alone in the common room and Sirius quietly tells him about Regulus Black.

Sometime after, Sirius hears the curtains around his bed shift and sees Remus's pale face appear in the darkness.

"Do you mind if I…" he looks as though he's been trying to sleep and has had as much luck as Sirius so far (which is none at all). Sirius glances to the small space in the bed beside him.

"Uhh..." he frowns. "Together?"

Remus looks like he could smile if he wasn't so tired. "I think so," he says, as though he's unsure whether that's what he wants, as though he might turn and run. Then his jaw sets and he nods. "If… if that's okay with you?"

Sirius moves over. It doesn't much improve their sleep because Sirius's elbows dig into Remus's ribs and Remus makes the bed hotter than usual and keeps kicking out with his feet.

But at least they can be sleepless together (they'll soon work out how to fit together without bruises appearing on Remus's pale skin and puddles of Sirius's sweat forming on the sheets) and James and Peter don't comment if they even notice.

~X~

Their OWLs are just finished and there's a _dance_ of all things at the end of the year. Remus notices Sirius looking at him oddly for days after it's first mentioned.

It's late and they're alone in the common room, Sirius sprawled on the floor, surrounded by unfinished homework and Remus nearly falling asleep in a chair nearby when Sirius brings it up, complaining about having to go and how, "There'll be _girls_ there, Moony. All worried about makeup and whether their dress makes them look fat and-"

"We don't _have_ to go," Remus points out, rubbing his eyes.

"Well we _could_," Sirius shrugs. He's giving Remus one of those odd looks.

"What, like… together?"

"Together," Sirius repeats with a sharp jerk of his head which was probably meant to be a nod. He rolls over onto a piece of Potions homework that's due tomorrow. Remus stares at the edge the crumpled parchment peeping out from under Sirius's back for a moment, then slowly nods.

"Really?" Sirius sounds shocked. "Together?"

Remus's gaze moves to the other boys face and studies the wild grin Sirius is giving him. "Yeah, okay," he says, ducking his head to hide his expression.

He feels Sirius's fingers tilting his chin back up and they grin at each other.

~X~

They're at the dance and they're sitting in a corner with James and Pete, listening to James serenade Lily Evan's hair, as usual. Remus can see Sirius getting more and more irritated with him and Remus takes his hand and pulls him away. Peter glares at them as they leave.

"Moony…" Sirius sounds like he's going to ask something and he stops abruptly in an empty corridor. Remus turns to him.

"Are we…" he searches around for the right word, then eventually seems to land on it. "_Together_?"

Remus hasn't really thought about it, everything with Sirius was like some sort of ladder, each rung seemed as easy and natural to reach as the last… from when they threw water over Snape in the boats in first year to when they started only needing three beds in their dormitory rather than four and their _togetherness_ became solid like a brick wall. Remus wouldn't know what to do without it.

"I think so," is all Remus says and a brief sense of deja vu takes Sirius before he notices Remus's expression and he doesn't care anymore. It's odd though, Sirius thinks, because when James and Peter corner them a few weeks later, and James demands to know if they're 'together', Sirius looks to Remus who merely nods.

"Yes," he says clearly.

Sirius nods along with him, thinking about deja vu and all the times Sirius and Remus have made that fact pretty obvious… in doing so he realises that Remus isn't really one for public displays of affection, most of their relationship (their _togetherness_, Sirius thinks) has been _theirs_, not for anyone else, for them and only them.

Nothing changes, except James sometimes throws them a few glances before they all climb into their beds at night, Sirius and Remus automatically moving to one together.

~X~

Sirius is practically pulling out his hair. Remus would feel bad for him if he wasn't so angry and he makes himself ignore Sirius's apologies, his pleading. He's glad that Sirius isn't touching him, glad Sirius knows him well enough not to do that. Sirius knows that Remus would give in if he did and Remus is grateful he doesn't.

He isn't quite ready to forgive him.

The thing is, though, that Remus is too used to them being them. He's almost forgotten how life was before Sirius would meet his eyes across a room and crack a grin or roll his eyes, how life was before Remus clambered into Sirius's bed without even thinking about it and before Sirius would take his hand when he was bored and run his fingers over Remus's knuckles as though they were his hands, not Remus's, and he would hum contentedly. Remus doesn't know how to eat a meal without Sirius and James making stupid jokes across from him, Sirius's feet pressing gently against his calf under the table.

They still make the jokes but Remus's leg is cold.

He doesn't know how to study with an empty lap, without Sirius draped across him like he's the comfiest chair in the room, he doesn't know how to make notes in class when Sirius isn't slouching next to him or peering over his shoulder or sighing exasperatedly at James gazing at Evans.

The whole thing is a disaster.

After two weeks, Remus can't stand it any more and he opens Sirius's curtains one night to see him lying on his back, gazing up at the ceiling and clutching at a pillow.

"Moony," he says. It looks like he's fighting himself not to look around and Remus hates that Sirius seems to think he's here to yell at him some more, like he had when they had first told him what Sirius had done.

"Here's how it is," says Remus. "What you did was wrong, which I'm sure you're aware of and I'm sure you're hating yourself enough for the both of us." He shoves Sirius's legs aside as though they're his own (Remus thinks he understands Sirius thinking he owns Remus's hands now because, really Remus and Sirius are that, Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus. _Together. _His hands are Sirius's and Sirius's legs are his. It's an odd thought.) and sits down on the edge of the bed. "And quite frankly," Remus continues, patting the legs he'd moved but not removing his hand afterwards. "I'm going insane without you, and there's no point punishing both of us for _your_ stupidity."

Sirius smiles. He can't help himself. Remus just rolls his eyes in response.

"Budge over," he says. Sirius does so and they settle down and Sirius is staring at him as they lie side by side and a hand reaches out to pick up one of Remus's hands and touch his knuckles lightly.

"I really am sorry, Moony. I swear I didn't mean to, I can't even..." Sirius's whisper trails off and Remus wraps his arms around him when he starts crying.

He wakes with Sirius's hair up his nose and an elbow in his ribs and he grins properly for the first time since the last full moon.

~X~

Sirius is anxious. He keeps tapping his foot on the ground and sighing and running his hands through his hair and-

"Padfoot," snaps Remus, because he's _trying to focus_, dammit, he's got NEWTs in a few weeks and the moon's full in a few days and Sirius is sitting in his lap and distracting him and it's just not on.

Sirius rolls off him and leaves the room, making Remus feel slightly bad until Sirius is back, holding something tightly and moving to sit on the arm of the chair Remus sits in.

"So I lived with James last summer," he says, staring intently at Remus, who just nods, wondering where this is going. "And I thought, seeing as I'm leaving school and there's a war on and I'm of age, I should _really_ get my own place. But then obviously I'd want you there and I found this flat and it's sort of amazing and I thought maybe me and you… we could…" he holds out a key. "You'll love it I promise, what do you say to us… well, together. We could move in… together. It was just a thought."

"Alright," says Remus as he takes the key and kisses Sirius, who grins and slides back onto his lap and they continue doing what they were doing exactly as they had before Sirius started fidgeting, ignoring everyone around them.

Remus studies, Sirius lounges back against him, content to close his eyes and listen to the buzz of voices in the common room, his legs dangling over the arm of the chair and his nose pressed into Remus' neck.

It's only when they're the only two left in the room, when everyone else has gone off to bed that Sirius strokes a finger over Remus's knuckles and Remus sets the books down.

"I think," he whispers, "I think it's a wonderful idea," and it takes a moment for Sirius to realise what he's talking about, having been so absorbed in his surroundings, but when he does he grins like it's the best news he's ever heard and kisses Remus like it's the only thing he ever wants to do.

~X~

They're gathered round the table at the house James shares with Lily. Peter is there, and Marlene too. Alice and Frank lean against the counter, shoulder to shoulder and Moody stands in the doorway. He pairs off James and Sirius and tells Remus that Dumbledore has a special task for him. Remus and Sirius glance at each other before Remus nods in acknowledgement.

~X~

There have been a number of raids in this part of the country and Remus is alone and helpless. The air stinks of blood and dust and death, curses fly everywhere and it's all he can do to send them back as rapidly and deflect as many as he can.

At some point other members of the Order turn up and Sirius is _right there, _beside him.

Remus fights harder.

Eventually they're backed up, the two of them, by five Death Eaters, and surely there's no way they can get out of this. Their wands are raised and ready but the Death Eaters are smirking.

"Moony," he hears Sirius mutter. "Go, get out of here. Apparate." But he knows Sirius knows it's useless. Remus won't leave him even if he could and he can't because there are wards around this place so they can't escape. "Together, then?"

Remus chances a glance sideways and sees Sirius's determination so he nods and says, "I think so."

He thinks he sees Sirius smile slightly but then they're fighting and all Remus can think about is the jets of light and the twirls of wands and the man next to him.

They only make it out _alive_ because Marlene and Peter and Lily and Alice appear behind the Death Eaters and hex them into oblivion.

Sirius and Remus move immediately to collapse against each other, breathing against each others shoulders and clinging probably too tightly but they don't care.

~X~

James and Lily are getting married and Sirius is laughing his head off because not only does he get to be best man, but they're saying if they ever have a kid, they'll make him godfather and, "Wow, Remus, when did we get _old_?" and he starts fretting about grey hairs and wrinkles as Remus watches him fondly from where he's still leaning against the doorway (Sirius told him the moment he stepped foot inside and has been talking non-stop since).

He steps over Sirius's legs and sits down beside him and tells him he's still as hideously ugly as ever. Sirius tosses a cushion at him and then throws himself after it. Both him and the cushion miss Remus completely and they land on the floor. Remus laughs and Sirius joins in.

~X~

Lily and James are staring at each other as they make their vows and slide rings onto each other's fingers. Remus is watching them and Sirius is watching Remus watch them, admiring the way the low sun makes his nose look even more beautiful than usual.

"I do," says James. Sirius turns to watch as a glimmering chord of gold slithers around his and Lily's wrists and looks away again when they kiss.

Remus takes his hand.

~X~

Lily is pregnant and suddenly everything is different. Dumbledore calls them together - the old friends; Remus, Sirius, Peter, James, Lily. It's been a tense few months, the war isn't getting any better, but worse, the Death Eaters seem to be increasing in power, no matter how many of them are captured and killed. Remus goes away on missions for Dumbledore a lot and he thinks this is the first time Sirius has _really_ seen him in weeks.

Dumbledore tells them there's a traitor amongst them and advises them caution. Lily's arms automatically circle her stomach and Sirius and Remus look at each other and Remus can feel fingers brushing against his palm.

He takes Sirius's hand.

Sirius isn't the traitor, he can't be.

~X~

James and Lily must go into hiding. It's decided that they'll use the fidelius charm and Sirius will be the secret keeper for them. He's told not to tell anyone that that's not the real plan, that was just to throw the traitor off. Sirius being secret keeper is too obvious, so it'll be Peter. Sirius doesn't like it, doesn't want to entrust James and Lily's life to Peter when he can't be certain of who's the traitor, when he only knows for sure that he himself isn't.

With a sinking feeling he thinks about how James and Lily believe Peter to be on their side and they trust Sirius to know they switched, so they obviously don't think he's the traitor… that only leaves Remus but he refuses to think about what that might mean.

Remus isn't the traitor, he can't be.

He doesn't tell Remus about the switch.

~X~

They get married sometime in Lily's pregnancy, without telling anyone. It's a quiet affair with only them and the officiator and a Muggle witness they pulled off the street and confunded (which Remus really _does _feel guilty about. Really).

The golden chord snakes around their wrists and Sirius can feel the thrum of energy coming from it and he smiles and Remus smiles and when asked if he agrees to marry him, Remus replies with a soft, "I think so," and a smirk in Sirius' direction.

They make the officiator and the Muggle look away as they kiss and Sirius is reminded of a thought he had once, of his and Remus's friendship, relationship, their _togetherness, _being _theirs_, not anyone elses.

~X~

He grips the small golden ring he keeps around his neck and shoots a jinx out into the throng of fighting wizards, hoping it'll hit who it was meant to.

It doesn't, and he watches one of the Prewitt twins fall and he hates himself and he hates the war and he hates everything.

Cold metal presses into his palm and he breathes.

_No_, he thinks. _not everything. _

~X~

When Harry's born they're fighting. They're not fighting Death Eaters, they're fighting each other and all Sirius can think about is how this is a waste of time, there are evil wizards to stop. He doesn't pause to think that there are good wizards to take care of and it takes Remus looking at him, disgusted and sliding the door shut quietly as he leaves to remind Sirius that he promised himself he wouldn't let the war take anything from him that he could avoid, and yet it had already taken most of his trust and love.

When he sees Remus next he doesn't touch him, remembering the days after the accidental prank with Snape at the full moon, when Sirius and Remus hadn't touched for almost two weeks until Remus came to him at night saying he was driving him insane.

Sirius offers a tentative apology, and a promise to try not to let their situation get to him anymore. The war and fighting is one thing. Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus; that's another. That's _important_.

Remus embraces him tightly and they fall to the floor with the force of it.

Remus hopes the war is over soon, hopes Dumbledore made a mistake and there is no traitor, that he'll wake up tomorrow morning and it will all be done and they'll go back to how their lives should have been but never were.

He wouldn't know what to do as an adult in a world without a war. Part of him hopes he never has to find out.

Sirius stamps out that part with whispered dreams of sunbathing on a beach and their twenty-fifth anniversary spent in a glossy hotel in Germany with copious amounts of ice cream and strawberries and chocolate and alcohol.

Sirius says maybe he'll go to Austria, because "there's supposed to be a group of geniuses there, working to find a cure for Lycanthropy."

Remus would object but Sirius hands are doing something with his hair and he really can't be bothered to open his mouth because it's making his head go fuzzy and his body feel heavy and he'd feel worried about crushing Sirius but Sirius has never complained before.

"We could do it together, what do you reckon?"

Remus hums, nodding against Sirius' chest. He thinks that maybe he could cope as an adult in a world without war if Sirius was at his side.

~X~

Sirius arrives at Godric's Hollow and the house is destroyed. He forces himself to step over James, then Lily, dreading the sight he's sure to see… but Harry's alive, _alive_ alive and Sirius picks him up and clutches at his godson because he's alive but the house is deserted and Sirius thinks he knows what that might mean but he daren't hope in case he's wrong.

He walks out into the night with Harry in his arms and stills. The street is quiet and dark and Sirius breathes in the air, pauses for the first time in years, just to simply exist, to stand on the Earth and breathe and not think.

Then Hagrid is there and he takes Harry and Sirius's arms feel empty and cold.

James and Lily are dead. Dead dead gone dead _not alive_.

Peter, he realises suddenly. It was Peter, Peter was the traitor, Peter told the Death Eaters where to find James, where to find Lily, he was secret keeper, he killed them, he _killed them_, he killed- rage fills him and he takes off, hunting the rat down. He wants nothing more but to watch as Pettigrew's eyes become as lifeless as his friend's had been when he passed them to get to their son, wants nothing more but to seek vengeance for the deaths of James and Lily Potter.

He thinks of Remus, who was away on a mission. Remus, who wasn't and isn't the traitor. Remus, who Sirius had loved for years and who he hadn't trusted for the most recent part of it and Sirius regrets how much time they've been _wasting_ since they got out of school. James and Lily, dead in that house, could as easily have been him and Remus. They could be dead and they would have wasted so much time not trusting each other. Why had they been such idiots? Why hadn't he told Remus that they'd switched secret keepers?

The last question, the one Sirius didn't want to even consider but had to, comes crashing through his mind like fiendfyre and… and had Peter killed _him_ too?

Was Remus _dead_?

Had he died not knowing that Sirius still loved him? Had he died considering that Sirius might be the traitor, that Sirius thought he was?

_Was Remus dead?_

Peter Pettigrew finds him in a street full of Muggles and suddenly Sirius has nothing to do but think and remember and regret for twelve years.

~X~

He hasn't seen Remus since before. Before he went off on that mission which he was still on when Sirius went to Godric's Hollow and found James and Lily dead and he needs to know, he needs to know if Remus is… he can't even think it, it's too wrong, too horrifying.

Dumbledore visits at one point. Sirius gets the impression that he's only there to give him a disappointed stare through the bars of the cell but Sirius doesn't care about Dumbledore's _disappointment, _that doesn't matter. Nothing matters but Remus.

The moment he sees Dumbledore, he jumps up, desperate, he needs to _know._

"Where is he?" he asks. "Remus. Is he dead? Did he kill him, is Remus okay?"

"Remus is alive. But I do not imagine he is in anyway _okay_." Dumbledore gives him a sharp look and after a moment adds, "We trusted you." He says it accusingly, and doesn't even give Sirius a chance to explain, to tell him _it wasn't him_, he would _never_ hurt James and Dumbledore walks away and asking about Remus had seemed so important but now Sirius realises he should have begged for a trial.

~X~

The Minister is called to inspect where Black had been held for twelve years. The cell in Azkaban is cold and damp and looks, as expected, like the home of a madman.

He stares in horror at the scratchings all over the floor and walls - the biggest is simply 'REMEMBER' scratched deep, surrounded by a mixture of names, mostly consisting of 'Harry', 'Remus', 'Pettigrew', and 'Moony', and there's a phrase scratched deeper than the rest, covering an entire wall and there's even vague traces of blood near those scratchings and a fingernail wedged at one point and Fudge runs his fingers over the repeated 'I think so I think so I think so I think I think so I think so I think I think so I think so I think I think so I think so I think so'-. It's repeated all down the left side of the wall where the door to the cell was and it's written messier and messier and messier as though Black's hands began shaking before he reached the bottom.

Fudge turns and leaves, feeling unnerved.

~X~

They're back together again after twelve years and Sirius _killed them_, he betrayed Remus and Remus _knows_.

But Remus only _thinks_ he knows. Sirius knows _Remus_ thinks he knows and Sirius knows he's wrong but he hasn't had a chance to explain and he's waiting for the disgust, for the fear. It's only to be expected, they've been apart for _twelve years,_ after all, and to the world's accusing eyes, Sirius is a monster.

But Remus just stares at him, and there's something in his expression that tells Sirius that Remus is tilting on the edge of something, some realisation, some truth and he's staring at Sirius as he asks, "Where is he, Sirius?" and he _knows,_ he knows, he knows, and Sirius doesn't care how he knows Pettigrew's alive because Remus doesn't look at him like he hates him, he doesn't look disgusted or afraid, just desperate, hopeful, longing for the truth.

Sirius is trembling, can barely stand and is filled with rage and bitterness but Remus is there and the lack of cool metal pressing against Sirius's chest is more noticeable than it has been for twelve years. The ring was taken from him when he was arrested.

Sirius hates them for that more than anything.

Remus is too quiet and Sirius can't stop looking at him, but he doesn't want to take his eyes off the rat, and Harry's here with his friends, and Ron and Hermione are just as brave and protective as Remus and Peter and James were and Sirius feels like killing someone - no, not someone, he wants to kill Peter, but Remus is insisting they explain first, and Remus always had some sort of voodoo control over him so he manages to stop himself, he holds himself back and watches the way Remus's mouth moves as he talks and the way he carefully controls his expressions and his tone and he's so different, but he's the same and Sirius has _missed_ him _so much_.

"Together?" Sirius asks, tentative. He's not just asking about Peter, he doesn't really care if they kill Peter together or not, but he needs to know, he needs to know Remus remembers, that Remus still… still _something_.

It's been twelve years, and more than that since Sirius had asked for everything with that one word and Remus has probably got on with his life and forgotten about the boy he'd met at eleven and instead replaced those glorious memories of trust and love with angry thoughts of a murderous traitor, of betrayal and loss and grief for his dead best friends, forgotten that once, Remus and Sirius had been Remus and Sirius, Sirius and Remus, together, together, _together_.

_Together, Remus? Together again, not like we used to be, I don't think we can ever be that again, but together has always been us, has always been how I've lived. Together, with you. Together, Remus?_

Remus nods and says, "I think so."


End file.
